We are so two and so one
the night cannot be so blue
the sky can't be so sunny
I am, through you, so me.
Edward Estlin Cummings
The fully functioning individual recognizes that they need their peers, and it is not because of this need for love and intimacy that they feel inferior, but rather sees it as a means to reflect their vast potential and share it with others. Love and intimacy do not make you feel restricted, but instead you see them as a special opportunity to grow. He understands that he will never possess the other person and does not want to be possessed. He knows that intimacy unites people, but it is the responsibility of each of them to maintain autonomy from him; each must grow separately in order to continue to grow with the others. The differences between them constitute a challenge to love and intimacy, not a threat. Fully functioning people know that when two separate individuals decide to establish an intimate relationship, they are bringing two different worlds together and thus are bringing not only their commonalities to their union, but also their differences. And it is the differences that will continue to stimulate their mutual growth. Usually the depth of our love can be measured by the degree to which we are willing to share ourselves with others. We started with separate selves. We establish a common space for the two selves and we call it us.
It is in this space that intimacy grows. The greater the shared experience, the greater the area of us.
Love and intimacy have many stages and are constantly changing. The intimacy of the first meeting will not be the intimacy of the honeymoon, but there will be many honeymoons: the one-bedroom furnished apartment honeymoon of our beginnings; the honeymoon of the first child; the honeymoon of the first payment of a house; the honeymoon of the first major promotion; the honeymoon of growing up with the family, watching the children form their own family, the honeymoon of growing old together.
Each honeymoon will be new and will create deeper levels of intimacy. That is why it is imperative that the fully functioning person is always aware of and open to change. The person we hold in our arms today is not the same person we will have tomorrow, not even the one we will have the next hour. Love is not fed or improved by looking back, it always lives in the now.
Mature intimacy and love are not based on hopes.
Since no one, not even a saint, can know and satisfy all our hopes. To expect from others is to foster pain and disappointment. The only valid hope in love lies in the hope that those we cradle are themselves, and as we do the same. Love given out of a sense of duty or obligation is the greatest insult and therefore not love at all.
True love and true intimacy grow best in spontaneity and offer an abundance of opportunities to experience joy, beauty and laughter. We have all experienced the wonderful feeling of sharing a peak experience with another person, whether it be of joy or pain. For a moment, such an experience affects two people, merging them into one. These moments of deep intimacy will continue to renew and rejuvenate love and make it more exciting.
Mature intimacy, as I suggested earlier, also encompasses the physical aspect. An integral aspect of her seems to be a sensual need to be close to her loved one, to make physical contact with her, to hold her and "to have her close to her." That is why the fully functioning person needs to reconcile with her own sexuality. We must become comfortable with our sexual selves before we can risk freely and honestly revealing our sexuality to another person. This is not to say that we want to be overtly sexual with everyone with whom we are growing in love. In a broader sense, this refers to the sexual gratification that can make us feel fulfilled just by being in the same space with another person, holding our child, or hanging out with a good friend.
Perhaps there is no more natural or more satisfying action that the human being can perform than that of mature sexual intimacy. In it lies, in its most sublime form, the deep desire to fully merge with the other person. It is the highest expression of love that combines all these positive manifestations: caring, giving, sharing, fostering, confirming, accepting, yielding, and assuming. Sexuality, when it is an expression of true love, can be the fundamental human unit.
Love and intimacy require some verbal expression. Very often we assume that the other person or persons know what we are thinking or feeling. We are often surprised when we discover that this is not true. It is the responsibility of the lover to try to reach the heart of the loved one: a word, a note, a flower, a simple poem, can carry the much-needed message of confirmation. One never tires of expressions of love.
Love and intimacy require compassion. If we cannot feel with each other, we are incapable of loving. This does not mean that we can feel complete empathy towards the feelings and behaviors of other people. It's painful for me to hear: "I know exactly how you feel." Is not true! One can't! At best we can only understand what we have actually experienced already, and each experience is always very personal. But when we have an understanding of our own personal conflicts and feelings based on general human experience, we can begin to understand how others feel. It is at this point that compassion begins.
Love and intimacy do not give rise to exploitation. There is an old saying, but it is still valid: “use things, love people”. It is alarming how many people do the exact opposite in the name of love: parents using their children, husbands using their wives, educators using their students, radicals using their society. They use the lives of others to affirm their own being and value. That's basically why love has become such a scary and questionable concept. It is so often used to violate and not to stimulate. Exploitation, in a relationship, no matter how much we rationalize about it, cannot be love!
The perfect human love is hard to find. It seems that we have few models that serve as an example. However, the behaviors that appear to increase love are consistent, observable, and amenable to study. The fully functioning person knows that love has to be learned on its own, and that it is best achieved by simply being vulnerable to it and living it every day of our lives as a dedicated lover.