"No man is an island; each man is a piece of the continent, a part of the whole, "said the poet John Donne in the 17th century. Throughout history, poets, writers, doctors, musicians, and even mystics have described and sung the force of love in the lives of humans. Starting in the 20th century, scientists have also turned to this dimension of our life that occupies us for so long and causes us so much suffering and joy. So much so that the most recent studies universally emphasize that love in its widest acceptance - our relationships with others - is undoubtedly the most decisive element not only in our emotional well-being, but also in our physical health, our mental health, our memory, our longevity ... A good relationship — which does not necessarily have to be a couple — has an unparalleled impact on our lives; and an unsatisfactory relationship is, on the contrary, tremendously toxic. We need each other above all else to be happy.
How do we learn to care for and maintain a satisfying relationship with another human being? Answering this question is undoubtedly a very important but difficult achievement, although it can be much less if we have a little scientific help. For this we have an exceptional guide, the psychologist John Gottman, who has dedicated fifty years of his life to studying love, especially love of couples, which in this case can serve as a reference for the rest of our relationships with others. : children, parents, friends ...
Gottman's goal has been to discover and disseminate tools and keys so that people can optimally care for their relationships. To do this, he has developed a very precise mathematical model that helps him diagnose the quality of a couple relationship. As it does? Imagine that you are a patient of Dr. Gottman's.
You come to the consultation with your partner. You are alone in a room for fifteen minutes. At the end of this time, they will be able to predict you with more than 90 percent chances of success if you are going to divorce in the next five years. How did they do it? They have analyzed your relationship through careful observation of your facial expressions, body expressions, words, gestures ... They have counted the number of positive interactions - the interest we show in the other, asking questions, being affectionate ... - and negative - criticism, anger, hostility, hurt feelings ... - and have compared the numbers. The best-along and enduring couples exchange about five positive interactions for each negative interaction. It is called "the magic ratio" of relationships. Couples are much more likely to succeed when they experience a balance of positive and negative interactions from 5 to 1, while if the balance approaches 1 to 1, they are more likely to separate.
What are the essential elements in a good relationship? "Respect, admiration and affection are essential in all relationships that work, and contempt destroys them. Contempt is the sulfuric acid of love. The marriages
Happy are based on deep friendship, mutual respect and enjoyment of each other's company, "says Gottman.
How can I show this respect and affection to my partner? Don't reserve your affection for big occasions! Romance stays alive every time you do or say something simple that makes your partner feel valued during the daily routine.
We need our partner, our parents and friends to tell us and show us that they love us often, not exceptionally. So "never tire of doing little things for your partner," advises Gottman. "It's the little things we often do that make the difference."
Another myth in human relationships is that if we could solve all our problems we would be happy. And it's not like that! Dr. Gottman warns us. We know that the success or failure of a couple does not depend on whether they have conflicts, but how they manage their conflicts when they occur.
Interestingly, Gottman's studies reveal that the couples who get along best are not the ones who avoid conflict, but the other way around, the ones who have a low tolerance for negativity. In other words, a solid couple does not "endure" the problems, but rather cares about solving, repairing and compensating as soon as possible the negative emotions and the disagreements that may arise throughout the day.