"Let's not lose our cool," said the architect.
The phrase fell like a bomb on us. We were at the construction of the new house. We had to move in the next two weeks. All around us was a disheartening spectacle of ripped floors, holes and cables, pieces of wall hanging everywhere and gaps waiting to be covered with new windows. At my feet, an old yellowish light box that had crashed down.
The architect had been assuring for so many months that everything would be ready, and we had believed it and signed the exit of the house where we were living. But now ... where were we going to go? And until when? We were puzzled and quite upset.
"Let's not lose our cool," he repeated, looking at us somewhat uneasily.
It was the wrong phrase. I felt the physical signs of anger and frustration growing in me: I turned red, my hands began to sweat, my heart raced. Inside, I knew that a small chemical storm was brewing that at any moment could destroy my ability to control myself, to monitor my words. I took a deep breath, but the excitement kept growing ...
Can we learn to manage our most explosive emotions? It is a question that we have been asking ourselves for millennia. One of the emotions that we find most difficult to master is anger, because it is a basic emotion that triggers the instinct to flee or attack. This is why we have long tried to find the best ways to control anger.
When you feel anger you cannot cover or stifle emotion: you need to express it. Even when? Until you feel that it is no longer necessary, that is, until you feel heard.
We are emotional creatures. Emotions help us to communicate or evaluate how we feel when facing something. When you have to face an angry or irritated person remember this: minimizing or despising emotion is a mistake! Anger is instinctive and needs to be recognized. So first of all it allows the irritated person, while not being dangerous, to verbally express their emotion. It is the best way to help her calm down. Then you can take care of trying to find solutions with it!
For the next time you have to talk to an angry person, be it a child, a partner, a colleague or a patient, here is a good anti-ration protocol, summarized in six simple steps: whatever the problem you have with another person, we will not be able to advance until we don't "clean" the emotion. And the first step of our protocol for angry people is:
STEP 1: RECOGNIZE THE EMOTION
You: "You seem very worried."
The other person: "You don't know how much ...".
People can also react by saying something like "I'm not upset, I'm angry / frustrated / disappointed, etc. Do not take it personally: you are helping the person, without judging him, to recognize that he has a strong emotion like a tsunami ... Have you done it?
STEP 2: TELL ME (TELL ME YOUR EXCITEMENT)
You: "Tell me what you feel."
This is the green traffic light to excitement. The other person feels heard. You don't have to keep scaling the emotion for attention. Here begins true communication.
STEP 3: SORRY
You: «You don't know how sorry I am for the bad time you've had.
I understand that you are worried ».
It doesn't matter what happened, tell him you're sorry. You are showing empathy, even if you do not agree with the background, but you recognize the emotion and you feel that the other person is having a bad time.
STEP 4: WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP YOU?
ACTIVE LISTENING
You: «So if I understood you correctly, you are telling me that ... (in 15 days you will not have a house to live in, and you do not know where to go with the children, and that causes you a lot of concern and will incur additional costs with the ones you hadn't counted ...) ».
While the other person is talking, listen actively: look them in the eye, have an open body posture and as relaxed as possible (for example, do not cross your arms, do not frown), do not interrupt ... and when you finish talk, and only then, if necessary, ask questions to better understand the situation. You've done it? Well, now you can recap the main ideas of what the other person has said: «Then you are telling me that ...».
STEP 5: PAUSE, STRATEGY AND «THIS IS WHAT I CAN DO»
Pause, think, and tell the other person what you are willing to do ("The work has been delayed and we are going to look for a solution. I propose to double the staff to accelerate, tomorrow I will give you a calendar that you can count on. Also , I will take care of your family's accommodation expenses until you can enter the house) ».
STEP 6: THANK YOU
Because they have shared their state of mind with you.
This protocol works with anyone who is angry, partner, children, patients, colleagues ... It will take between 2 and 4 minutes to do this. Practice with anyone, you will see how effective it is!
"The ancient Egyptians believed that when they died they would be asked two questions, and that their answers would determine if they could continue their journey beyond ... The first question was: Have you given joy? The second question was: Have you found joy?
Leo Buscaglia